Not Quite Happily Ever After
by sweet saturn
Summary: Just a funny improper fairytale involving the usual prince charming, fair maiden, and fairy godmother in some rather unusual circumstances.
1. Chapter 1

Ch 1: Cinderella is Found…Unwilling to Marry the Prince

"Here she is Sire. We found her hiding out back in the kitchen by the fireplace," said a

guard bringing in a rather unwilling maid.

"Excellent," said the prince. "Bring her over."

"Look, you really have the wrong person here. I wasn't the girl you danced and fell in love with at the ball. You want my first cousin, Ella, on my mother's side," the girl said as she struggled to break free from the guard's grip.

"Nonsense, lass. There's no need to be frightened. I won't harm you," said the prince.

The guard was practically dragging the girl over to the chair where the prince waited on one knee with a glass slipper in hand.

"It must be the presence of her step-mother and her two step-sisters. Evil step-relatives can be very intimidating," said the chamberlain.

"I resent that remark!" retorted the only woman who could've been mistaken for an evil step-mother. "I am Elaine's actual birth mother, and these are her two sisters! And I will not stand to be referred to as 'wicked' or 'evil' much less 'step!'"

"Have them removed immediately!" ordered the prince paying no attention.

"How horribly rude!" sniffed one of the sisters.

"It is a mistake to assume that all princes are charming," added the other.

"Elaine, please clear this matter up quickly in time for dinner," said the mother as she and her daughters flounced huffily out of the room escorted by a guard.

Elaine was unceremoniously forced to be seated. The prince began pulling at her left foot, but Elaine continued to resist him.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you right now that the shoe is going to fit, but I am not the girl from the ball! I don't even fit the type of girl required by the story; if you let me explain, I'll tell you why I'm not that girl but yet the shoe fits."

"Of course you fit the type of girl," replied the prince undeterred. "You're young, beautiful and have a step-mother and two step-sisters who have forced you to slave away for them as a scullery maid. They made you hide in the kitchen by threatening to beat you if you didn't stay out of the way when I arrived."

"I was in the kitchen by the fireplace because I was cooking, you dolt!" said Elaine furiously, giving a mighty kick that hurled the prince back some distance.

"I understand, they made you cook, clean, mend, and do all sorts of dirty, heavy chores. If you just allow me to put this slipper on your foot, you will be officially announced as the girl at the ball and my future bride. You'll never have to work again."

"Damn, I just went for the open bar. I wasn't expecting any drama to come of it," thought Elaine. Aloud she said, "For the twenty-millionth time, you want my cousin Ella. _She_ has an evil step-mother and two evil step-sisters and a dead father, whereas I just have a mother and two sisters and a father who's very much alive though away on business. People get us mixed up all the time and to top it all off we even wear the same shoe size, so I can understand your confusion."

The prince, still on one knee, looked thoroughly befuddled. "But, but, the shoe, you, step mother, sisters, equation, story," he sputtered for a few moments. Finally he regained his composure and stood up tall and proud. "I understand you're rather bewildered and over-excited by all that has happened in the past few moments, so I will pardon your obvious and rather dreadful lying—which would be considered a serious crime in any other situation. You should consider yourself a very lucky girl."

Motioning to the footman, he said, "Put the shoe on this young lady's foot." The prince moved behind Elaine and placed his hands on her shoulders which, to the casual onlooker, appeared to be a sign of comfort but in actuality was a method of restraint. The prince was not going to see his long sought prize get away. Following tradition, the shoe fit and Elaine was whisked off in the royal carriage to the palace where plans for a grand and most importantly swift wedding were being made.

* * *

AN: So this is kind of both an orignal fiction piece and fanfiction piece. It's also very much a work in progress. I posted this on fictionpress, but since there was a fairytale category on FFN, I figured it wouldn't hurt to post it here too. Besides, I have better chance of obtaining feedback as I'm a bit more known on here. This is what's kind of been occupying my time instead of Wicked--sorry to all my OWFU fans. I will pick back up on it sooner or later. As always suggestions and constructive criticism are greatly valued.  
--Lan 


	2. The Plot Continues

Ch 2: The Plot Continues…to be Destroyed

"So what skills do you possess besides the obvious cooking, cleaning, and mending?" asked The Queen Mother of Elaine.

Elaine was sitting rather unhappily in the sitting room of the queen's chambers dressed in an elaborate gold gown made of finely spun straw gold. She was constantly in the presence of somebody and being asked a million questions always about her "tragic past" or about her "bright future." After five cups of tea and an endless conversation on dress fabric, Elaine felt a very strong familiar pressing on her bladder. Finally, she had an excuse to leave this irritating woman's presence.

"Excuse me, but I have to pee," Elaine said in her most polite and charming princess tone as she rose to leave.

"No you don't. Sit back down," ordered the queen.

"What!" exclaimed Elaine.

"Princesses never pee," said the queen matter-of-factly as she took another sip of tea.

"What are you talking about! It's a natural body function! You've had way more tea to drink than me; you can't possibly tell me that you don't have to pee!"

"Royalty is constantly under scrutiny, and as we are seen to be above everyone else, we must not be openly seen or saying anything that would shatter that image. Peeing, or using the restroom to put it in less crude terms, is an action that would ruin that image. We can't let the populace know that we are subject to some of the same crude activities they are. As for myself, I was well educated in my youth, and have learned to 'hold it'—to put it bluntly—until I am in private."

"But what if you really have to go to the extent at which you can't hold it and your bladder is about to explode?"

"Then you say that you are feeling indisposed and must retire for a period of time. Princesses are supposed to have delicate health conditions that must be highly maintained. Therefore everyone will believe that you are not feeling well and will retire themselves from your company as to allow you to recover; then you may give in to your bodily functions."

"Well then I'm feeling very much indisposed, and I'm going to retire from your Highness's company in about two point five seconds because I really have to pee," said Elaine as she rose gracefully and walked out the room in the most princess-like fashion. Once out she ran for the nearest bathroom. While peeing she mulled over the events of the past two days, and when she finished she had decided that there was no chance of happily ever after in this castle—at least not for her—and that since there was no chance of that happening, she had to develop a plan for escape.

Having relieved her overfull bladder of its contents, Elaine, frustrated, paced about her quarters. What was she going to do? The wedding was to take place on Saturday, and it was already Thursday! She couldn't flee the palace as the Queen and Prince had her guarded closely—to insure against kidnapping and assassination attempts they said. Elaine wasn't stupid; it was to ensure that the royal family wasn't made a fool of. If running away wasn't going to work, there was always suicide; still death, no matter how tragic, glorious, and over romanticized, didn't seem like a good option at all. If only she had magic or at least possessed some magical object, like a ring.

Suddenly the obvious solution dawned on Elaine. She had a fairy godmother, and it was her fairy godmother's responsibility to aid her in any way she was able to ensure that she (Elaine) would live happily ever after. "Now am I supposed to do this?" wondered Elaine. Was there some proper format to summoning one's fairy godmother? "Forget propriety."

"Oh Fairy Godmother," she called. "That seems kind of bad to call her just that," Elaine thought as she waited for her fairy godmother to appear. "She must have a name. I'll be sure to ask her that when she gets here." Swirls of brightly colored smoke and sparkles announced the arrival of her fairy godmother.

"Elaine, darling! How are you? I haven't seen you since your christening," exclaimed the fairy godmother in an overly cheery tone once most the smoke had cleared.

"Drop the niceties. I know you know why I called you; _Ella_ is supposed to be here, _not me_," Elaine snapped. "And shouldn't you have been here sooner? You're supposed to know when I'm need, and if I don't call, you're automatically supposed to appear!"

"Well there's no need to be hostile," the fairy snapped back. "Don't talk to me about what I'm 'supposed to do!' So what, you're 'supposed to' want have the prince find you, fit the shoe, and marry him, but you don't now do you! Hmph!"

"Sorry," replied Elaine subdued.

"I've been running ragged trying to fill in for some of the fairy godmothers on strike in the kingdom of Faregood—they're fighting for a union you know. Your situation wasn't that dire compared to some others, like Ella, so I let it slide for a bit. However, the situation is close to broaching the point of getting out of hand, therefore…"

"Really because I thought it was long past 'getting out of hand' since the first day I was here which was oh, two weeks ago," said Elaine dryly, cutting her godmother off. "I'm lucky the royals decided to hold off the wedding for a couple of weeks; they hope to give me time to warm up to the prince. The idea of why I would not want to marry a perfect stranger much less one who's a prince is unfathomable to them. They keep telling people that the delay is due to the fact that they need more time to plan a proper royal wedding. These people could throw seven royal weddings in the course of a day! And…"

"You know it's rude to cut your godmother off, not to mention your _fairy_ godmother."

"What is your name by the way? It's weird having to call you 'fairy godmother' the time not to mention tiring," Elaine butt in again.

Her fairy godmother sighed. "It's Cecilia, and I assure you this situation is in the process of being remedied. If you can just keep your mouth shut so that I can explain…"

"You know it's lucky that…" Elaine's mouth continued to move up and down until she realized that sound was no longer coming out of it.

Cecilia smirked. "Much better. You're so much more charming when you don't talk."

Elaine glared at her godmother. "Now," continued the fairy, "Ella is on her way here, and soon this whole mess will be straightened out."

"You know, Aunt Cecilia, this whole internship thing isn't working out for me," spoke a voice from behind a dark cloud of smoke that had just appeared. Cecilia turned to face her newly arrive niece.

"Brianna, now is not the time to discuss this. Did you do what I asked?"

"Obviously, since she's standing right here next to me. When is the time? It seems that you nor mother nor anyone else has the time to hear me out! Also, try to remember to use my middle name; I rarely respond to my first anymore."

"Raven is so commonplace though, whereas Brianna…"

"Raven is more appropriate for an evil sorceress though."

"I simply don't understand this fascination with the forces of evil. You come from a long line of highly respected and very _good_ fairy godmothers. Not a single wicked fairy in the history of our family. There's also no history on your father's side either as far as I know, so…"

"I can't help what I like and excel at, and every family has a black sheep. I guess I'm just the first in this family. Besides, I want, no, am _going to be_ an evil _sorceress_—that's _not_ the same as a wicked fairy."

"Excuse me, do I exist at all, or should I just stand here and wait for my prince who's never going to come because _my cousin stole him from me_!" said the beautiful blonde girl, who, covered in cinders and dressed in rags, was obviously Elaine's cousin, Ella, sharply. Elaine was taken aback by the remark and attempted to make some rude comments of her own. However, she could only mouth what she wanted to say as her powers of speech had not yet been returned to her by Cecilia.

Naturally, Ella thought she was being mocked, and that served to make her angrier. "How dare you mock me! You overly drunken, _tramp_!" Elaine mouthed back a series of insults which further infuriated Ella. She raised her hand, ready to slap Elaine.

Taking note of the circumstances, Cecilia left off in her argument with her niece to intervene.

"Let's not have any nastiness now," she said, taking hold of Ella's hand.

* * *

AN: As you can tell, this story is very much along the lines of Patricia Wrede's Enchanted Forest Chronicles. This chapter is not finished, but I'm currently stuck on how to transition intothesection of the plot where I want to be at. Suggestions and constructive criticism are more than welcome.  
--Lan


End file.
